Dragging me down! : Part 4 Final Straw
I'm so tired!!! Having Covid and being alone in a little room and having to go through it by myself woke me up! No one was coming to my rescue and my only help was from strangers or those that were barely acquaintances.
I was one of the lucky ones. I was in complete denial that I had Covid even after I tested positive.
What if I hadn't survived this like so many others during this pandemic? Thank God I did! I had to ask myself, when do I get to take care of my own mental and physical health? When do I get to be the artist I am capable of being?
Well the time is now.
I'm choosing myself and for the first time in my life, and also for the first time in a very long time I suddenly have room to be creative. My creative energy is coming back. I feel alive again. I use to ask myself, why am I so tired, where did my creative spirit go, why do I not care about the things I use to love any more. Where did Arie go? Who am I now that my life is only intended to be used for others peoples benefit? Who will I be if I dont have these people holding me down with problems they created for themselves and are now begging me to save them from?
I decided its time to hang up the phone and pull the plug out the wall.
If people get mad about it that's their problem not mine. I want my peace of mind and stability. As a women that has no kids and no obligations to anyone but herself, I should be flying high and being the best I can be everyday. The only thing that was keeping me from that was involving myself in rescuing everyone around me while my own boat had a gapping leak that needed to be fixed.
When I distanced myself, the most amazing thing happened, I suddenly stopped feeling tired and drawing was fun again and I was excited to start my day instead of just wanting to sleep till 2 and lay on the couch having Netflix marathons.
All this space opened in my head for me to fill it with ideas instead of filling it with stress and anxiety thinking about how to help everyone else and worrying about pleasing them because they might abandon me or hate me and not love me.
But I didn't realize I had already been abandoned a long time ago.
When I closed the door nothing changed about how active these people were in my life. I see them just as much now as I did before, which is almost never unless they wanted something from me. The difference is I no longer have to cry and complain about it anymore, cause I am choosing it instead of chasing them for there love and approval.
I can only imagine what is in store for my future. Hopefully lots of comic book pages and stories written and lots of fun in the sun meeting people and drawing caricatures and my bank account full because hunny momma is so tired of giving it all away.
I am tired of being broke mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and especially creatively because everyone else was reaping the reward of all my hard work except for me.
I will finally have something to show for all this hard work.