You know how they make that announcement on the plane that when the masks drops down put yours on first then help the person next to you? Well I have been helping the person next to me first then hoping I have time to put on my own mask. And for some reason I have been obligated to do this by the people in my life. And they only seem to be happy that they won't suffocate while I am suffocating next to them cause no one helped me put my mask of after I helped them first.
Remember when Leonardo Dicaprio froze to death in ice cold water after the Titanic sank but he got his girl friend to safety, leaving him with no energy to save himself and she is to weak to pull him up. That was me. I was going down with the ship!
All this to say, I literally was giving up on myself, my art career, my love for comics and animation, everything because I have been made the family doormat and savior.
I realized after all of that, I no longer had the mental or physical ability to actually be creative and do things I loved. I realized it was them or me and I was not choosing me.
It reminded me of a situation I had with my sister when I was younger. We were floating together in a pool and she couldn't swim, but we were fine. We slowly floated down closer to the deep end and our toes stopped touching the floor of the pool. And I said to her as we were relaxing in the water, hey I just noticed my feet aren't touching the bottom. Did we float to far? She immediately panicked and tried to climb on top of me as if I was a life raft! People had to jump in and pull her out of the water so I wouldn't drown! It wasn't even any reason to panic! All we had to do was kick our legs and go back. Hell I wasn’t a good swimmer either, but I at least had common since.
The thing was she was willing g to sacrifice me even when it wasn't a emergency. She use to sometimes say this thing when I told her something bad happened. With a smile she would look me in the face and say, "better you than me."
I use to get annoyed, but brush it off as a joke. But I realize it's not a joke. She is serious. These people don't just want me to sacrifice myself for them they expect it. Just like my mom expected it just because I was her daughter and it was my responsibility to take care of her. (or so she said.)
I'm no bodies life raft. I can barely stay afloat for myself but I am carrying every ones burdens.