I found some old pictures of me from 2014. Cant believe its been 5 years and I been on my fitness journey for 3 at least.
In November of 2015 i decided I just couldn't keep living a life where I was unhappy with myself, so, I started with just going to the gym and making up my mind to make it a priority in my life.
Even if I didn't feel like I could afford it, or even if no one would go with me, or I had to go in the cold. Even if my mom was sick in a hospital bed, or I was living in a rat and roach infested apartment with no stove. I was honestly fed up with feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling sick all the time.
I felt like no one cared about me outside what I could do to make their life better or give to them, and was depressed to the point of having panic attacks alone in my house while no one was watching, and I decided, "So what! if no one else cares! It only really matters if I care!"
I had a good time at this event in the photos, but I also must admit i carried around a lot of feelings of shame, because I was embarrassed of how I looked and I hated me. In the end we all have out cross to bare i guess.
I think working out has transformed my confidence and I feel so much better. I use to watch weight loss documentaries all the time about how to lose weight or improve your health and it was all depressing. They would say things like "exercise doesn't help you loose weight" and "eat all these things and those things and its ok to have bacon all the time and eat crap loads of meat and its the only way to get healthy," but to be honest It seemed like it was making me fatter and sicker.
It all made me want to give up trying because no matter what I did I just stayed sick and fat, until I decided to try to do things my own way. If it made me feel like crap I just decided not to eat it. Which landed me as a vegan! Go figure.
I remember days waking up feeling very heavy like I was weighted down. Like I was carrying bricks around my stomach, as I made my way to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. Dragging myself out of bed like a heavy bag of garbage to the curb on trash day. And don't get me started on my breasts. My breasts were like carrying around 2 gallon Jugs of liquid strapped in a bra, leaving deeper and deeper cuts in the tops of my shoulders and it HURT SO MUCH!!
When a man tells me he loves big breasts and I should never lose weight or get smaller boobs, I just want to punch him in the face for being a insensitive asshole, because he is putting his personal boob fetish over my true and real inability to sleep comfortably at night and the constant pain in my neck and shoulders.
We are all beautiful no matter how we look but, in the end we all carry our own emotional baggage from years of hurt and just fighting for the right to be human and be ourselves. Just because we are beautiful regardless of looks doesn't mean we feel that way on the inside. Sometimes the outside is a cry for help on the inside that no one but you seems to be able to hear.
One day I woke up and decided I was going to stop begging to be saved and go out and become my own hero.
I was tired of the emotional baggage i carried around on my body and the way it was weighing me down and keeping me from being my best version of myself.
I tried everything, including fasting to drop weight and it all just came right back no maker how I changed my diet and fought to keep it off, because I was listening to everyone's solutions and not finding my own. I was tired of being hungry and feeling like I food was a punishment I was inflicting on myself for not living up to societal pressures to perform as I was told.
If you are struggling, remember you gotta do it your own way. Find way that works for you that will bring you the health you deserve. Don't wait for someone else to take responsibility for your health.
On her death bed. my mom told me she wished she had not waited so long to start taking care of herself. She use to tell me i was was responsible for "taking care of her." She would say, " i don't care about your problems" and expect me to bend over backward to make her happy despite the fact that I could never actually do enough to please her. She waited until she got so sick and overweight (nearly 400 lbs) she had no choice, but to rely on someone to help, Doing simple things like walking up a hill were getting to be just to hard.
By the time she had reached her last days she had done a lot of damage to her body from years of inactivity and poor food choices. It was a big battle to bounce back from that took her many years of fighting and pain and regret.
I don't wanna live a life of regret and wishing I was confident or that I liked myself. Wishing a could buy that cute dress on the rack at the store instead of wearing the size 28 house dress that hides the size of my stomach, but not really.
I don't want to feel embarrassed because I'm worried about fitting into airplane seats comfortably, or that my stomach will rub up against the table if we sit in a booth at a restaurant with my friends, and then have them look at me in disgust like its about time i skipped a meal.
Feeling like the fattest sardine packed in a can with all the tiny sardines annoyed because they are squeezed beside me.
Most of all i don't want to be sick and have to have someone come in and wash my ass because I cant reach it and I am worried about how I smell.
Only you can do it!
Truth be told, everyone else is so busy dealing with their own Bull crap and insecurity that even if they insult you, you have to remember they are just reflecting their own problems on you.
Refuse to take it personally.
Get up and do what you have to for your health and not for any other reason, but your own health, because you deserve it. The same people that complain about you being fat will also complain if you lose weight. They might even stop talking to you. Say you changed and you aren't the same person. (Probably cause you got tired of putting up with their BS)
Love yourself, you deserve it!
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