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I dont hold on to people anymore.



One thing the pandemic has taught me and helped me to really put into action is not holding onto people that don't serve me anymore.


Folks are out here dying cause they went to the grocery store and someone sneezed in the back of the line and they caught covid.


Some people haven't left there house and they caught covid cause they touched the mail box.


I was talking to a good friend that just finally came home after 2 months of recovering from being in the hospital and then also rehab because they caught covid despite rarly leaving there home for basic necessities. They live in another state from me but when they got the diagnosis and I could see they were not doing well I really tried to do what I could to pressure them I to going to the hospital instead of waiting it out.


I managed to get through having covid on my own but I could tell their experience was quickly going in a completely different direction than mine.


They recently told me, had it not been for my concern, and the deep concern of other friends they might not have made it. I really did push for them to go to emergency despite the fact they did not want to and they DID NOT want my opinion of the situation.


I even forced them to talk to a nurse that tried to reassure them that they could not get any sicker than having covid and that they absolutely needed to go to the hospital before things got to bad. They waited a day or so more than I would have liked but they finally went and sought help and I am happy to see them home and on the way back to normal life.


All this to say, sometimes people just don't want to listen to you. They think your opinions and advise don't apply to them. Sometimes you just can not save people from themselves.


They have to just go through there BS and deal with it the way they choose. And sometimes they won't like you just because you tried to help.


This has been a transformative year for me cause I decided to just start minding my own business. If I'm trying to help and you don't want the help then who am I to force it on you. All I can do is give my unwanted opinion and move on to better things. Who am I to continue to try to make you apart of my life? I have my own BS to deal with. Why should I set my needs aside to attend to yours?


Im not Jesus. Im no one's savior. Nor do I want to be.


I recently had a "friend" that basicly pressed their way into my world through the kungfu school I attend. I generally tend to stay to myself and I have small talk with the other students, but I know also I am there to learn to defend myself and I am there to improve my self esteem through learning better self discipline.


This person started the class and suddenly when I would be observing fights and concentrating on my skills they would start to press me to help them with things they were trying to learn. At first I honestly found it annoying, but I didn't want to be rude so I would stop what I was doing and assist even though I did not have any obligation to do so.


Eventually we exchanged numbers. Then we exchanged texts. Then we met outside the school with other students for a little extra training. And soon we would hang out and take walks or do yoga in the park. We even had movie marathons at my house and the person was insistent on "helping" me with things around my house or in my garden.


They would call and say they wanted to come by and wanted me to give them tasks to do. I realized the person seemed to feel better about themselves by doing this so who was I to say no to a little help and a movie buddy.


My problem is I always invest a little to much emotionally into people and when their shit hits the fan, suddenly they dont want to deal with me anymore. Im always kind and welcoming. I will even make you a meal or buy you food if I have the money. But as they say no good deed goes unpunished.


The thing is, I realized early on we didn't really have friend compatibility, but I didnt want to dismiss someone just cause they lived their life differently from me. I dont judge people by there lifestyles. We are after all, all adults here.


Im always trying to see the best in people and be encouraging but sometimes, I realized, I need to reserve that encouragement for myself and for the people that deserve it in my life. I have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and allowing myself to be to vulnerable with individuals that could potentially turn against me.. Some people honestly don't want your positive energy in their space. They will dislike you for trying to be cheerful and uplifting. Some will even see you as simple or stupid cause you are choosing to have a good day and they aren't.


One thing I realized is that just like we choose what to eat for dinner we can also choose our own happiness. It might be a fight to wake up and have a positive attitude when life is feeding you a bowl of poop for breakfast but its up to you to decide that you will eat it or not.


Anyway, this person had a loss in there family. Considering I lost my parent some years back I totally understand if you are mourning and handling it in you own way. But it doesn't mean you shit on the people that are kind to you especially when you are the one that wanted the connection with that person in the first place.


When I messaged them to check on them they basicly insulted me and said they didn't want to deal with anyone from the school cause I was trying to be encouraging. Saying that they didn't appreciate me comparing my life to theirs when I know for a fact all they do is complain about the things they dont like about themselves while drinking energy drinks and whining about there anxiety then smoking weed or drinking to calm themselves down.


I've seem this before. People pretend they like you or want you around cause you basicly make them feel good about themselves then when they get tired of you, you dont hear from them anymore.


I realized, sometimes you can be someone's friend, but they are not your friend. You are just something for them to do when they are bored and they can't see anything better to do than to suck up your life energy that day. You have something of value they want and when they are done they sit you on a shelf until you are relevant again.


Our lives really were not compatible, anyway. They like to smoke and drink and read tarot cards and hang in bars and talk about there witchy friends who are so cool. None of which honestly lines up with my core values. One day they decided to light up and vape in my house but didn't think to ask if that was ok or even offer to step outside and do it.


Honestly I saw it as a clear sign of disrespect and I started to question the over all friendship because of that.


There is a quote that said do not cast your pearls before swine lest they turn and attack you. Today I felt attacked. My patience for people and second chances is long dried up. So I bid the person fair well and blocked and deleted their number. No explanation are needed. No begging to be liked or wanting to have my say or some last word. No arguing and crying over spilled milk with a person that will only see things their way anyway.


Im probably wasting to much energy just on this blog post about letting them go.


I'll be nice in class if they show up again but I won't be doing any unnecessary favors. I can see why Deb Cooper from surviving dating says she hates being nice and she doesn't give second chances. She doesn't believe people really change and when they do she's already on to the next because as you get older no one has time to waste on individuals that lack good moral character and who can not give you the type of relationship you need. Doesnt matter if its a friend or a lover.


I only really have time to surround myself with love and light.


 

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