So I am working on my first full color Tornado Alley comic. I'm pretty excited about it. I haven't had this much fun on anything in a long time. i also made a ton of fun Mainasha Emojis/imojis. Doing this really brings me a lot of peace.
To be honest non of this would be happening if it were not for having loving and inspirationaly talented people in my life. My writer friend John WIlcox that is always talking me down out of my crazy moments and my friends Beejay Hawn, Candy Briones, and Chris Meesey, who are constant sources of inspiration and motivation to me.
The other day Candy and I were talking and she was telling me "Doing this is like breathing! She cant live without it" (ahem, not in those exact words, LOL but pretty close) and by this she meant working on her game "The Good the Bad and the Bunny and her comics.
And when I am around Chris he speaks from a great place of simplicity and wisdom. After consistently contributing to my efforts through Patreon for nearly 4 years non stop I finally had something to show for, in the form of a book and I told him I didnt know how to show my gratitude for all the effort he put into me and he said, " As a thank you, just put all that energy into your art, the “payback” is keep making cool comics for us to read." (Actual Quote).
Then there is my amazing friend Beejay who has welcomed me into her family and really showed me what it means to be a responsible adult that handles her shit! Not that i didn't learn those things, but just seeing her put them into action is amazing when I watch so many other artists make excuses for always being broke and not making a good living for themselves. Then not actually execute or complete any projects.
Honestly I wanted to give up on art for a very long time. I was going to just go get a job at Chipotle and call it quits because i figured if the point was to work a job and make money I could do that any sort of way. I had gotten tired of feeling dragged through the mud. I felt like a worthless failed animator, like my work meant nothing to anyone and had no purpose. Like no one cared about what i did so there was no point in making anything.
I felt like I had a lot to say, but it was all worthless, so no one really was interested in hearing it. I wasn't good enough for anyone to love or care about or take interest in. For a long time I just drew caricatures. It was a job, I got to draw and it even though it didnt make me happy I was making other people happy.
Last week after a bout of intense anxiety and depression brought on by just being alone all the time I started asking myself who an i not good enough for. A great portion of these issues came from childhood and just lots of emotional abuse from family and i automatically apply them to everyone around me. Even if they say the love me or care i just find it hard to actually believe. But with my mom now passed nearly 3 years I had to stop and ask if everyone is accepting me then who is not accepting me. Then I had to turn the mirror around and look at myself.
It was me. I didn't accept me or my body or my art or anything i did as good enough. Now i was the abuser. I am taking up the place where so many others had left off. So now I am asking how do i accept myself or see myself as others do.
My cat loves me so much she will stop eating if I am not home for to many days. Away for work. The only answer I can find for developing self acceptance is to just start being all the things I always envisioned for myself instead of being the person I was always told I would be by my family. Its not about proving anyone wrong, but about proving to myself I can be exactly what I want if I focus on it and stop falling into the old mind sets that have been drilled into me for year.
There are so many things i loved doing as a kid and and attempting to do them fearlessly until i started getting told I couldnt, or shouldnt, or wasn't allowed to do said things. Like being told I should give up on exercise and health because I was going to get fat and be fat and for the rest of my life and there was nothing I could do about it. I loved dancing, and being active, but I was told i couldn't do those things or made to feel shamed for trying to do them.
My happiness is now in my hands. Nothing can be more satisfying than taking control of my existence and making my vision of a enjoyable life actually a reality and not just a thought or dream or idea in my head that i cant see manifested on the outside.
So now its time to start planning and executing. More comics and stories that are fun and enjoyable. If I like it someone else is bound to do so, as well. After all I'm human just like everyone else right!
Thank you guys for all the love you have brought to my life when things seemed so dark.