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Why do I feel lonely?

Really feeling this Sermon today. I realize i also dont use my personal web site nearly enough to talk about what is important in my life.

When the pastor talks about living a life where you don't need others, and they dont need you that hit home very hard.

I grew up in a home where I felt like a servant. Always expected to help everyone with all their needs.

My mom told me she didn't care about my problems and I was just expected to take care of her. And I did, until her passing. Then on her death bed she told me to get ready to be alone.

Since her passing I have spent time just trying to find my healing, learn who I am and what I love and rescue myself . And i have been VERY ALONE. I realized no one is coming to the rescue.

No one is really going to actually care enough to seriously become a integral part of my life so I have to be very independent and do what needs to be done.

If the lawn needs to be mowed and the trash needs to go out and I need to get the car to the mechanic for repairs, I will have to make it happen by either paying for it or doing it myself.

Most people only really show up for others if it benifits them in some sort of manner. If it's to much of a inconvenience or they think that it's to much work or, well, they just don't love or care about you enough to want to help then they just won't show up even if they said they would.

Individuals have shown me this over and over in my life. My own mom didn't even want to take me to work when she didn't have anything else to do and I paid her to do so and she is the one that forced me to take the job, cause she said she didn't want to put miles on her car. She cared more about her car milage than her daughter but when my paycheck came she had a hand out. When she wanted the lawn mowed and her coffee made and her feet rubbed and rides to the doctor for her chemotherapy, you better believe I was expected to stay home from work and give up my free time to do so.

I feel like I have had a loveless life. Where I was expected to love and give to others without reciprocity.

You give and give and a person won't even drive your one block to your car cause they just don't want to backtrack or they don't feel like it. Despite you sitting on the street watching there things in the 107 degree heat after a festival where you worked and made them money for 3 days.

You give and give but you just are not good enough for them to give back too.

That's why I sometimes get so lonely. Cause I literally am the only person I have to lean on most of the time. And when I need something from others it almost always comes at a price. Its how you end up in a room full of people and feel completely alone.

Don't get me wrong, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am ok with being alone. I enjoy my quiet time. But being lonely is another story. I feel like it's something you experience cause you don't have the emotional support system you need in your life. They say if a baby is born and you never interact with it but you feed it and clothe it. It will die of loneliness.

Men don't talk to you cause they think you are interesting, they talk to you cause you have big boobs and other wise ignore or forget everything you say once you walk away.

Women dont talk to you cause you don't fit in and they don't like you cause you are too fat, to thin, to quiet, to loud, to dark skinned, have color in your hair, or they are jealous cause they think you have more than them when you really don't.

I accept that I'm alone. I accept that I have to be it all and do it all for myself. But the greatest lesson I learned is I can't be everything for everyone else and also be everything for myself at the same time. I can't please everyone and expect to be happy while I'm to busy neglecting myself. I have really developed a them or me mentality. I love being giving to others and I have to hold back from doing what naturally comes from me cause people just want to soak up all that good energy until you run dry.

When I go out of my way to help others the way I have been raised to do, I always regret it. Either by getting my feeling hurt or by people that string me along so they can benefit from my kind nature. These same people will gaslight me if I get fed up and say no. Now I have to feel guilty for choosing not to be there for them when they never have been there for me.

Sometimes it's honestly easier to do everything without asking for help or being asked for help. Then no one has to be disappointed when either party says no or just doesn't show up.

I opted to end a friendship this summer when a person simply would not honestly communicate thier intentions. It's too much emotional work to always be trying to be kind and loving to someone that's just refusing to speak openly about thier true intentions or what they want. Im not a mind reader. If you don't like me and don't want to be around me it's easier to just say no thanks or maybe another time, than to drag things out with no real answer. But for some reason certain individuals seem to think that behavior is ok.

I want to be surrounded by individuals that actually respect me and care about my well being. But I guess that is far and few between in this world.

I no longer chase people. If you don't call back I will assume you aren't interested in furthering our relationship. And I am ok with that. There are people in my life that I use to feel like I constantly begged for attention.

And when I stopped I literally never heard from them again. Or they might call once or twice a year.

People that feel like looking at your Facebook page every once in a while is good enough for them to assume you are doing fine instead of calling you to hear your voice and have a real conversation.

Ex's tell you they love and miss you but before you broke up they never wanted to be bothered with you so they wouldn't answer your calls or, would say they were to busy or they just wanted to stay at home with there dogs and no they didn't want you to come over.

They get in your inbox sending you cat memes and claiming they want to pay you to make art for them but when you were together they gave you the silent treatment and spent their date with you looking at their phone instead trying to have a conversation with you or actually have fun.

They tell you you are beautiful in the beginning then call you too fat for them to be with when they knew you were fat on the first date when they asked you out.

Suddenly you just don't want the same things after they came over for Thanksgiving and went to your uncles funeral and invited you to a Christmas concert. Probably cause they decided they liked someone else more or were in love with someone else so they needed to have a placeholder until they could get thier dream girl.

Family is begging you to rescue them from the problems they created in thier own lives cause they knowingly did things that could harm themselves, but you have to help them fix it cause they are family.

Sigh.. I am ranting. I know. But these are the reasons I sometimes get lonely. Cause people, humans, just constantly disappoint me and then expect me to just be ok with it. Pat me on the back and say you will be ok. You are a strong black woman, like in the movies. Smh.. then they want you to hug and kiss them when they cry and apologize for treating them they way they have always treated you.

Have you ever had a person who was supposed to be your "best friend" gloat and say to you that they were the best relationships you ever had after getting out of a abusive relationship?

Laugh at your hardship then say basically you will never do any better, when they never really gave you anything or did anything for you either? Maybe they bought a couple of drawing you put on ebay, but even when you were together 6 yrs and were supposed to be engaged they only saw you once a year and never did anything to further the relationship which was already long distance. So you just got tired and decided you would be better as feiends.

But at the time, you didn't realize they were just as bad as all these other bs people in your life, because no one has ever treated you well to begin with. But you kept talking to them, also for years, because you just didn't know any better. In fact the person literally one day admits they never did anything for you when you were "together". But you guys stayed friends after the break up for some reason. Trauma bonding maybe?

Then you realize even when you were together, you always did all the calling, and the chasing and the asking and the begging for them to actually act like they wanted to be with you. Even thier own friends were telling them to "stop stringing that girl along" or "if it were them they would have broke up with you a long time ago". Hell, even your this person's grandmother said to break up amd move on cause you are wasting your time. But that's the cost of being young and dumb I guess.

Human relationships are exhausting to me. I stopped believing in romantic love a long time ago. Let's face it. Disney has made a killing on promoting unrealistic ideologies of what love is supposed to be.

A man has never loved me in my opinion. Nothing but words with no actions behind it is what I have seen.

Family has always treated me like second class. Having high expectations of what I was expected to do or be while they lied and manipulated and did nothing to really help when it counted.

They sad part is I can't just do everything on my own. It frustrates me. Unfortunately being human requires love and attention to thrive.

I decided to invest all the love in myself that I was giving away to others only to have them squander it. Jesus once said," let the dead bury their own dead", when a man said he wanted to walk with him but first he needed to bury his dead father.

Its kind of black and white. You either care about someone or you don't. And your actions show it above all else. Not the words that come out of your mouth. People invest energy and time into the things they value. They buy cares and houses and videogame systems with money they don't have and they work to be able to pay for it but they won't take a friend to pick up thier car from the mechanic cause they forgot, or they just don't feel like it.

People make me lonely.

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