Women and learning to say no!
I have had a interesting year. In fact, I have had a interesting 4 years since my mother died. One of the interesting things I have tried to do is date. I haven't been so good at it I must say. I keep finding myself in these situations where the person tries to take advantage or push me far beyond the boundaries I have set in my life and eventually causing things to fail miserably.
One thing I have learned though, is just how important boundaries are and saying no. They are important because they guarentee to make me happy and secure in the relationship instead of just working overtime to make the other person satisfied.
If there is one thing I learned, in all my years of people pleasing and trying to prove myself to my Mum, it is that you just can't make someone else happy no matter how hard you try. That is their job to make themselves happy.
The problem is that it seems like everytime I start dating I tend to forget that, because I want the person to like me and to want to choose me.
In my last situationship, I literally had the person tell me to my face they didn't like me and didn't like women like me. Of course, I had no idea what he meant by that, but all this after the drama of begging me to give them a chance even though I felt unsure about if we wanted the same things.
It lead to me being really unhappy and crying a lot because we just were not on the same page and I was trying to please them and make them change their mind or get them to tell me they wanted to be with me. In the end I was broken hearted and disappointed and they were telling me that I was nothing to them, that they didnt even consider me a friend. That I was a bad friend. That I was more like a aquaintance or just some random woman they hung out with.
I ended up feeling humiliated and sad and cried for weeks because I wanted to make something work that just didnt work. I felt like I had done something wrong and like I was obviously not good enough. Lots of sleepless nights were had while they slept soundly in their bed for months before I finally said it was over and I couldnt keep going. When something isnt right you cant just sit around and pretend its ok no matter how badly you want it to be.
I forgot somehow that I had made a promise to myself that I would NOT chase my friends of my family or any human being begging them to please be apart of my life and please treat me well and to PLEASE LOVE ME!!
I'M DONE WITH THAT!! It ended when my mom died! NO MORE TAKING CARE OF AND GIVING TO SOMEONE ELSE AT MY OWN EXPENCE OR DETRIMENT!
WHY? Because i am tired of ending up the one with the broken heart, broken body, and broken mindset (meaning low self worth) because I wasn't someone elses cup of tea.
I only want to go where I am wanted.
I think a big root of the reason so many women suffer from low self worth or low self esteem has everything to do with how we are raised and the messages we receive from the people we love growing up. We are tuaght we have to be nice and giving and loving to everyone even if the person does not deserve it.
We are taught to laugh off disrespectful jokes and to ignore red flags just so the other person is willing to accept us or so the other person will LIKE US! Its what many call the PICK ME mind set. Or what I am hearing lately as being a basic B*tch.
I love listening to this podcast by a woman named Deborah Cooper . Her advise column really focuses on teaching women how to be women and handle themselves in this crazy world. Her big focus is educating young ladies leaving home for the first time to enter college. So they are prepared to navigate that crazy land scape and protect themselves.
I feel like I lived my entire life without boundaries. It has always lead to my downfall. She talks a lot about how she hates the word NICE! because sometimes you just can't be nice if you want to protect yourself and your children from preditors in the world.
It reminded me of a video I watched, where the woman said, everytime she was in a situation with a man where he begged her to think with her heart, he would then proceed to manipulate her or mistreat her in every way imaginable. Begging her to let down her guard and be loving and sweet and kind reguardless of how bad he acted lead her to nothing but heart break and problems.
Now you might say, hey this should all be common since. Think again! It is not common since. If you never learned it was ok to set boundaries and to say no, then how do you know ITS OK TO SAY NO! ?
In my house hold I was expected to do as I was told. Don't talk back or you get punished, even if the person is wrong. Then on top of it, it was reinforced by everyone outside your house hold like other family members etc, telling you to listen to your parent no matter what. Or just simply not saying anything cause they didnt want to be involved. I was raised to put myself last. All my needs could be addressed after everyone else got what they needed.
Living like this is a mistake. it leads to misery and depression and a life where you are always seeking validation and love instead of loving and validating yourself. I think the first step to learning self worth is learning to say no!
Put yourself first. Chase your dreams. The other stuff will show up when its time.
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